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Old 04-14-2009, 11:18 AM
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Tenshi Kain Tenshi Kain is offline
King of Rogues
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 3,273
Enough with the giant fucking bugs: a plea.

The day has come! After a quick stop at the inn and a grand old morning of being gouged by the local shopkeeper for a new +14 sword which may or may not have been used by the legendary hero Gar Flavortext, our seasoned band of adventurers is ready to take on the next crisis of their epic journey -

- but wait! Three miles outside of town, they find themselves beset! Could it be that the goblorcs of the Dark Lord or the ninja-nuns of the Evil Church have lain in wait within the quiet, harmless Bloodshadow Fenlands, setting an ambush for your party? Or has some fell beast been silently stalking your band of meaty teenagers with dark hunger?

Whatever the case, the screen shatters into a million exploding fragments, or a conspicuous red fishing line alerts you that your character is being targeted, or you hear a squalling primal cry of rage: battle is joined! Swords are readied, shields are lifted, rods are stroked, pants are wet, and from the underbrush bursts a giant, ravenous, murderous -



...

Are you fucking kidding me?

Look, I get it, okay? Bugs are freaky. Maybe it's the shape, maybe it's the nuisance, maybe it's the fear of getting bitten or stung, maybe it's the distinct fear that they'll suddenly spring up and dart into your eye or your nose or your mouth or your ear or whatever. And sure, there's something Really Fucking Cool about some bugs and arachnids. Look at praying mantises or spiders or scorpions or whatnot - when anything's got sharp, nasty forelegs or a huge stinger, it seems a waste to let something so cool stay so small. Plus, it's an easy way to sneak in a Poison status effect (even if the insect in question does not actually envenom its prey, but let that go) and force your player to make use of at least one Antidote or a Star Pendant-ish accessory or whatever before that item becomes free cash for the remaining 95% of the game, you genius developer.

But there's a line here. You're selling me on the idea that my party's the toughest, ablest group of fighters on the planet, and then have them assaulted by...grasshoppers? Caterpillars? Ladybugs? Bees? Butterflies?

Hell, nine times out of ten, they have nothing changed about them visually anyway. What makes a giant ladybug any more dangerous than a normal-sized ladybug? You don't even add fangs or stingers or anything, you just snap a picture of a ladybug and then blow it up by about 500% and stick it in your bestiary. Forget Mothra, Jiminy fucking Cricket looks more intimidating than half of these water-buffalo-sized grasshoppers.

Then again, you're fooling yourself if you believe Jiminy was anything less than the greatest criminal mastermind since Al Capone.

I'd rather you just threw in random Uruk-hai than have me spend half of my journey fighting off a bunch of slightly menacing mosquitoes, glowworms, and dung beetles who give shit EXP anyway and eventually get palette-swapped for "meaner" versions of themselves in the lategame ("meaner" being the same as "more purple" in most cases).

Just stop. Please. No more fucking bugs. Or better yet, take out all your super-sized fire ants and cockroaches and horseflies, and just put in one of these motherfuckers:



I mean, Jiminy H. Cricket. Fucking hell. Even the most hard-headed male lead with a strong sense of justice would have piss dribbling down his breeches (or zippers) if one of these bastards popped up out of the ground during a romp through the Fire-Elemental Desert of Fire. THEN HE WOULDN'T LOOK SO BANGABLE AFTER ALL, WOULD HE, CHASTE BUT BUXOM WHITE MAGE FEMALE LEAD? WOULD HE?!

Yeah, give me one of those in your RPG. Otherwise, don't fucking bother.

(Sober edit: I have absolutely no recollection of writing this last night, but apparently, I did, and it was waiting on my screen this morning. This is what Jameson's does to me, it seems.)
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